Relationships are freaking hard, and what we don't want to see is the shit in ourselves.
Yes, I said shit in OURSELVES.
We judge the other person, and think somehow, we are better.
I grew up in the church, and although now I have expanded my beliefs outside of "religion", I still get referred back to the bible sometimes.
I could write a book on coming out of religion, but we'll save that for another blog day.
Today, I want to share how God/Jesus/Spirit tries to teach. me how to be more like LOVE.
That's what God is. LOVE. The highest form of vibration/Energy/creation is love.
It's what WE ALL ARE.
We just forget.
We came from source, which is love, and then we get tainted in the world and learn lessons, and sometimes we awaken again that we really are love.
But then it's unlearning the behaviors and thoughts that we have accumulated through the years, and relearning how to be love.
In my church days, I remember praying, " Help me be more like Jesus", and then when I came out of religion a bit, its more like help me to be who I really am.......LOVE. One with the creator.
But damn it's hard sometimes to be love and be who we really are. It's easier to be the person that we always were, do the same shit, and follow the same habits, thoughts, and actions.
It's easier, but it doesn't help us, grow us or make our life any better.
We say we want to be different, we want to better, we want to have better relationships.
But do we really?
Do we want our lives to be different enough to do something different?
To look at ourselves?
Or do we just want to be "right"?
I am divorced. I don't ever want to be divorced again. I want to be a better person. Different. Learn from my mistakes.
I don't want to hurt anyone, not my partner, my children, nor myself.
I'm learning along the way.
If I don't want the same results in life as I've always had, I have to do something differently.
It's true for all of us.
We have to look at ourselves.
I am at a point in my life where I am willing to do just that. Look at myself.
What can I change?
Do I slip up though and go back to Old Amy ways? Oh Gosh, yes. All the damn time.
But, I catch myself more frequently now, and have a choice to change it.
Growth is hard and messy.
I want to grow and be a better person.
Sometimes it's just easier to stay the same, to go back to familiar ways and the worlds ways of doing things.
EGO's way of doing things.
I heard something the other day in our business training, EGO is edging God out. Wow. That is so true.
Ego is edging LOVE out.
Ego is that asshole, negative voice in our head.
I asked to be more like Jesus. To be love.
But some days it's easier to be judgmental and angry.
Even though it really hurts us more, and prolongs arguments and pain in relationships, sometimes we fall back into what's familiar and easy ~. To fight back. To make the other person feel bad, or wrong or punish them because they weren't living up to our expectations of who we expected them to be or act.
Spirit is always with us.
Trying to lead us back to LOVE but do we want to listen and be love or do we just want to be right?
Today I choose the path of bettering myself and being love, then being right.
I don't read the same book every morning.
I have many of them under my coffee table, and I choose the one I feel guided to read.
For a few days, I was in judgement and living in my own needs, and having expectations of my partner that at that time, he was incapable of fulfilling. He's capable, but in these specific days, he was not. He was stressed and dealing with his own shit, but yet, here I am still with expectations.
So I went to bed angry and extremely upset last night. I didn't sleep well.
I woke up this morning with all the thoughts of EGO, of someone who is hurt, and angry and hate to say, kinda self serving.
The thoughts of, " How do I escape this pain?" " How do I fix this problem so I don't have pain anymore?"
" Do I run away from it?"
This is how most of us live our lives. It's what we are taught.
We blame someone else for our pain, and then want them to feel pain too, so we give it back to them.
We throw shitty words back, Slam things, throw things, and for me, ( Or old me, retreat. Turn inward, pull away my love and act like an asshole until I think they've suffered enough, only I am really the one suffering)
But when you truly want to be different, God/spirit knows it and will show you HOW.
Spirit knows my desires. What I want in life and who I want to be. That I don't want to be the same Amy with the same life anymore.
Spirit knows I want to be LOVE and receive love.
So spirit shows me.
I picked up the book this morning, A course in miracles made easy, opened to where my pen was, and of course it was about love and judgement and relationships.
Spirit is here teaching me, " You want to be love? OK, then read this and DO IT"
I can choose which way I want to go.
I can be yesterdays Amy, and pull away, and bring up yesterdays pain and the past, or I can look in the mirror and change ME.
I can do what the book ( love) says, and see my partner for who they are, and love and appreciate the good, I can focus on the good, and expand on that.
I can keep the past in the past, and not hold grudges and throw shade back.
Spirit is leading you also.
We always have a choice to stay the same or grow.
To be that new person, or stay the way we've always been and continue to get those results.
It sure isn't easy.
But I want to be LOVE, and get love in return.
I'm grateful for the guidance, even though it's hard to have that mirror held up to me sometimes.
We are being guided all the time.
Are you listening?
Here's the paragraphs from my book that slapped me upside the head this morning.
Maybe it will shift something for you too.
After reading this over, a verse came to my mind~
You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brothers eye.