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God/Spirit/Universe. The more I learn, the less I know.

I have alot of people message me about Christianity and spirituality. Yesterday someone reached out and she so reminded me of myself just a few short years ago.

Looking for answers and feeling confused about spirituality.


I grew up in the Lutheran church. To be honest, I don't recall learning about Jesus at all during those years.

I remember having to go to catechism class on Tuesday nights and hating it. I recall having to memorize this little orange catechism book, but I don't recall enjoying that class or church, or any of it.

When I moved out at 18 I stopped going to church. For YEARS.


Then in my late twenties as a single mama I ventured out to a Christian church. It was like I had never heard this information before lol. Even after growing up in the church.


It was different. They weren't dressed in weird robes. They weren't singing out of books, it was uplifting and just WAY different.


This is where I met Jesus.

How did I grow up in the church and not know Jesus? Or the whole story about him dying on the cross to save us from our sins? Weird right?

So, I got "saved". I accepted Jesus into my heart.

Later, I moved to a different Christian church and got baptized as an adult.

It's a thing.

I went there for six years. Then took my kids there. Taught them everything I knew, which I thought was the right thing to do.

I believed what I was told.

That we were born sinners with evil hearts and stay that way until we ask Jesus to come into our heart, and if we never do that, we will burn in a pit of fire. ( Hell).

So, that's what I lived by. I went to church weekly, and bible study for years.

I tried to "save" my friends and family. Cause I was truly worried that they would go to hell.

I thought I was just being a good Jesus follower, but really, I was judgemental and really not always that loving, even though I portrayed that I was the sweet perfect Christian.

Eventually I left that church for a church that was more strict with rules.

No swearing, no drinking, no living. Fasting, living my life the way that the church said God would want me to live.

I was taught to fear God. He was a demanding asshole in the sky somewhere and expected me to be perfect and live with no sin. I tried real hard.

I wasn't very good at it but I tried.


Then to another church, a little less "rules" but more fear and teachings on evil spirits, and casting them out. FEAR.

Then learned about Hands on Healing, and really being like Jesus.


During all this time, I developed a really close relationship with Jesus. He WAS my savior in alot of ways and a best friend, big brother, therapist, basically everything to me. When I needed something, I talked to HIM.


Then I felt led to learn Reiki Healing, I had no idea what it even was.

My first class that I paid for, I left half way through thinking this lady might be the devil.

( Where is the eye roll icon on this blog??)

I was told by Christian friends, Reiki is of the devil. Don't do it.

It took me another year to go back to a class, with another teacher and feel a deep sense that it was absolutely NOT of the devil. It's healing. How could that be evil? ( Again, where's the eye roll?)


On to another church, Grace based.

I could breathe again. It was like a fresh breath of who God is. Like a DADDY.

Even if your earthy dad wasn't there for you or very loving, we were taught about a different God. A loving God. A God who wanted us healed and happy and abundant.


I was already getting slack from other Christian friends on that teaching. That it's not right. God is angry and wants us to be poor. If he doesn't want us healed, we won't be.


I stayed the course, then found other teachers online and tv who were Grace based teachers.

Good stuff.


It seems I was led all over with God and at some point didn't know who he/she/it was anymore or who Jesus was, was he really God's son or just another man like us who realized he was one with God?

I lost my connection with him for awhile.


But I started to realize God was way bigger than the Christian box put him/her/it in.

He wasn't just a man sitting on a throne somewhere in the sky judging people and deciding everyones fate.

He/she/it is a spirit of LOVE.

The highest vibration there is. and WE are a part of THAT.

He/she/it supports and loves us and wants us to be healthy and happy and abundant.

That's what I believe.

I have since rekindled my relationship with Jesus, no matter who he is, he's LOVE and he's real in one way or another in my life.

Even though I lose faith sometimes, he shows up.

If your a fb follower of mine, you'll know back in December he showed up in my hospital room.

Obviously he came through someone else, a Chaplan named Tom. But I could see right through that. lol.

Tom even said to me, " Jesus lives in me and he wanted to talk to you" I said, yep, I KNOW. lol.

He said he went to 20 some different rooms that day and I was the room that said YES come in.


Anyway. when people ask me questions about Christianity and Jesus and the Devil, I don't have many answers. I really don't.

I feel like the bigger God/Spirit/LOVE gets, the less I know.

I can't put it in a box. I don't think it's a man in the sky.

I'm not quite sure if there is a man with horns that runs the fire pit hole in the ground. I don't know.

I don't know where evil comes from, or low energy. I don't know?

But I know God is good. God is LOVE. God is spirit. God is not something we can put in a box and say our belief is the right and only way.


Everyone of us is on our own journey and there's lots of different beliefs about God.

I know whatever/whoever it is, LOVES US and wants the best for us.


I just went to the bathroom and looked down at my sweater, after writing this, and this was sticking out of my sleeve sweater. TOLD YOU.



LOVE showing me it's with me.



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